One day I was reading an advice column surrounding the idea of the existence of in-law abuse. I know for many this may be a hard pill to swallow but unfortunately it is far too common in our families. When was the last time you talked to your girlfriend and told her you were going to leave your husband because his mother was too controlling? Guys, have you ever found it difficult to tell your mother (father, sister, brother etc.) no to a request they made?Or did you tell your wife one thing and went ahead and did what your family members asked you to do even though you knew it would cause conflict at home?
Many of you reading this article know someone who is going through this issue at this very moment or it may even be you. I am sure like so many married couples you may ask yourself why are your in-laws trying to sabotage your relationship?
Well, if you ask most in-laws they will either say (1) I do not like the person my child has married or (2) my child is supposed to take care of his/her family first. Many of us are familiar with number one as it is all too common within local newspapers and right around the corner from where we live. However, it is number two that I always have trouble grappling with. I have witness in my own personal life with family members and friends where parents would ask their child to pay extensive debts for their siblings without even considering that the spouse should having discussed the matter with his/her mate to see if this would fit within
their budget. I do believe that if your sibling has lost their job unexpectedly then you may wish to help. However, it is when your sibling or parent chooses to engage in behaviors they know will affect them financial that really causes a lot of conflict between husbands and wives. Yet so many people are pressured to play "parents" for irresponsible relatives and it is the wives who are made out to be the bad guys when they say no to these requests.
In-law abuse has gotten so bad among a few people that I know that many of them have told me that their in-laws have told them that their spouse will always be co-dependent on them (parents) regardless if they are married. I have heard some parents tell their spouse's significant other that they (parents and siblings) are the number one priorities within their child's life. For many people including myself, I ask you this one question- where does the wife (or husband) fit in the picture? Additionally, if you are the head of your child's household, who is running yours? I have seen too many people headed for divorce court due to abusive
(including but not limited to verbal, mental, emotional and even physical) actions from their in-laws.
Unfortunately, people fail to realize that a war then begins between parents and children, spouse and in-laws, and spouse against spouse. If you fail to choose the "right" side, you will be considered a trader or my favorite as one person said you would be “brain washed" by your mate. Where should you go from here if you are at war with the in-laws? The only place left to go to is the land of boundaries. You must set boundaries within your immediate and extended families. Let me just mention that when you are setting up boundaries that it is not your spouse's job to tell your parents and siblings how they need to give the two of you space. It
is your responsibility as their child and sibling to set these limits.
Now you may say to yourself that you love your spouse and your extended family and you wish not to hurt either one of them. Well guess what? You can still love both sides and still establish great boundaries that will bring you piece of mind. In speaking with several individuals, many people say that setting up boundaries and sticking with them have been key to stopping an unwanted divorce. Do realize that there will be some occasions when a parent or sibling will try to "exert" their authority over you or make you feel guilty about saying no to their requests; however for the most part, the extended family will begin to accept their position
within the new family while your marriage begins the healing process to recovery.
In short, there is no cure all to fixing in-law abuse as for many people they have no clue they are doing anything wrong. However, you should know that you do not have to take in-law abuse nor should you engage in in-law abuse yourself. Instead try to find some common ground where each of you may be able to gain some resolution together as a team so that the cycle of abuse will come to an end. Your (future) children will thank you.
