My secret formula for a healthy relationship by Juan Pablo
Mattenet
How many times have you despaired of being understood?
How many times do you repress your despair at being rejected
by the person who is supposed to love you more than anybody
else? And why do you keep those feelings inside you? Because
you are afraid of creating a worse conflict if you speak up?
My best friend, Anne, was at the end of her rope. Of
course she was developing ulcers and was taking some kind of
pills for life. Of course she was unable to sleep and would
toss and turn whole night, thinking that perhaps a new pill
will provide relief!
When I finally met her, after 6 years of being distant
because of geography, I could not recognize my old friend in
this frazzled person I had in front of me. She looked older
and spent. It took me some time before I had the courage to
ask: What is happening to you? And she said "I don't know
how to face my husband with the zillion things that harass
me in his behaviour, but I'm so angry at him that I could
explode any time!"
What happens is that Anne doesn't know how to confront
him, she is afraid of his resistance and probably strong
denial and thus she leaves a bad situation to escalate into
a worst one, where her anger sits in a bed of despair and
contempt. Of course, at this time, there is little love or
respect left in her for her husband, who is oblivious to the
depth of her negative feelings, of course! He thinks that
she has stress ulcers! It took some private meetings with
her to get to the bottom of her feelings and ask the
question:
"Why is that you don't confront him with his negative
behaviour"? And her answer was: I never learnt how to face
him! Because I was only told to be always nice and polite, I
don't know how to confront anybody when they do things that
upset or damage me!
Is this a picture that you recognize? Could you identify
with this situation, where you have neither the permission
to confront, nor the skills to do it in a safe way? Are you
afraid of any kind of confrontation, even a healthy one to
defend yourself?
This is partially true: if you confront without knowing
how to, in a respectful but firm way, you can get a worse
response, and so confirm your fears. But, where does not
doing a confrontation leave us? If we can't confront, we
stay frustrated and resentful, and the anger eats at us
inside.
Meanwhile, the other person continues the offensive
behaviour as before, because nobody told him/her not to do
so! When at last we do confront, we do in such state of
frustration that results are not encouraging, and the other
person, taken by surprise, can react very strongly.
If you don't tell the other person when and how she is
infringing on you: * You are not in control of your life, *
You have more stress. * You begin carrying emotional baggage
of resentment. * The relationship deteriorates and the other
person never has the opportunity to improve his behaviour.
THEN, if you confront:
* You get the control of your life back. * You are not a
passive victim. * Stress level improves. * Mental health
goes back to balance. * There is no build up of emotional
baggage.
So, HOW do you confront someone about his/her inadequate
behaviour? It is simple, not by reproaching the wrong
behaviour, but asking for the right one:
If you are tempted to say something like: "You are a
jerk! How do you dare to leave without asking me if I had my
car repaired! You left me behind last night" It is better to
say: "I need you to take better care of me. When we have
only a car, it would be better to coordinate transportation
among us. In this way, I will feel that we are really a good
team."
Main parts of this new response are: Focus is on "I" and
not on "you," because this expression feels accusatory, and
because it helps highlight the issue of what are our needs
that are being frustrated now.
The problem is described, as it is -a real transportation
problem- in a calm way. And the solution is provided:
"checking with each other is a good thing."
Three take away ideas:
1. It is best to confront sooner than later, letting
things fester is wrong. 2. It is best to confront
skillfully, using this model. 3. Behavioural change requires
that we keep confronting about the wrong behaviour up until
the moment when it improves, and then we praise the new
behaviour.
